and if isn't what i hope it is

then i can't really tell you what else it could be. she's telling me she notices i'm more willing to wait now than i was ever before. i guess because now i'm more accepting to what this all is because now i at least have some idea of what it is. she asks me how much i think of him, luckily i have a crafty way of making my way around questions i don't want to answer. it definitely plays in my favor sometimes, even though it also hurts me sometimes knowing that i don't admit to things i might need to admit to. i guess i can let myself know what i'm thinking but its hard to let anyone else know. except her of course, but she's my exception to my own rules. for reasons that are reasonable. she asked me what changed my mind and i told her because things are different. and nothing is the same. its nice starting all over again. sometimes its just exactly what you needed and i think it this case that definitely holds true.

i felt bad sitting there with them letting the words fall out of my mouth without realizing they had no idea this whole time. they did not know another one had bitten the dust. the next morning i apologized telling her i had no idea she didn't know what was going on. she starts crying because she doesn't understand why everything is always taken from her. tears i'm all too familiar with, and tears that kill me to see every time. you know its sad to say you've been taking care of your mother's tears since you learned to talk. being the one to pick up the pieces and make everything better has always been my profession thanks to a family that can never seem to hold it together. thank God i've learned by now what it is i have to do to set myself apart because i've never been apart of who they are and i've never regretted it a single day in my life. so when she's crying to me that she just doesn't understand i'm able to keep her feeling that its just better this way. no matter how mindless it is and evident there was not a reasonable thought in the process i can still turn her world around and remind her everything is going to be okay. i guess i'm just used to it by now.

always waiting for the ball to drop has always had be prepared for the next bad weather. i guess that's why i'm always optimistic the sun will shine eventually. i have to believe there's a light at the end of the tunnel. i have to believe there is a God because it gives me hope. i have a faith that gives me hope. it keeps my head above water because i'm always treading water. but i always make it out to the other side. it might sound like i'm praising myself but i'm not i'm just reminding myself that i can do this. i'm constantly working. he reminded me how we had to learn to hustle when we were four years old because it was the only way we were ever taught to survive. that always blows my mind that as a kid who had just learned to cut my own food, i already had to know how to get on my grind and take care of myself. already doing my own laundry and cleaning up after myself. taking care of those older than me, and already preparing myself for survival. its hard to understand why i say survival. but he always taught us to "survive" as he always says. i'm grateful for that because i know no matter ho wbad things get i will fight my way through. but sometimes i wish i could have had more of a childhood. being shipped to a place where i wasn't wanted and coming back home to an empty home. knowing my only friend in the world was my dog. God i miss her. I guess that's why disney has always held such an importance in my life. it was the only thing that made me feel like a kid again. i guess that's why now i do act childish not in a maturity kind of way but taking joy out of the little things that might even slightly put a smile on my face. because although i was spoiled when i was younger to what we saw as being spoiled, i still lost out on a lot.

but really i wouldn't take back anything. i wouldnt' change anything about it now. i survive and i'd rather be completely confident in that than wondering where i go to from here and not having the drive to at least get there. i'll always have my past but i won't let it rule me. i've taken what i've needed from it and moved on. so when the past repeats itself like it always seems to do, and she's crying to me that i have to fix what's been broken. i'll fix it quickly and in the right way and won't let it stop me from doing what i need to get done in my life. because they aren't who i am.