if only you knew

he hit me with some truth i hadn't thought about. that i'm the one that turned the switch off. that it was me and now its got to be me. i'm still trying to figure out in my head if this is all a good idea, but at this point the rational me that is always trying to figure everything out just can't right now, because i've lost it all. and now i'm here and i'm scared and i'm nervous and its a part of me i haven't come across in a hell of a long time and this time it seems like its worse. and when we're sitting there and i'm quiet. its not because i'm bored, its not because i'm tired (necessarily) but because there is so much going on in my head and trying to hold back and keep it all inside takes a lot. and i keep hearing that i shouldn't but man how you scare the crap out of me. and i've been nothing but myself but at the same time i'm holding back and i know it isn't fair and i'm sure i'm going to let it all go when i finally just can't hold back anymore but i'm just hoping when that time comes you will be nothing but understanding.

because i'm sitting here looking at the plans and i can't help but wonder if maybe its just too much. but at the same time i can't help but want to share it. he says i'm not acting the way i should probably be acting and i can see that being true. because i want this to be true. i want it to be real so bad. but still always wondering if i'm the only one that feels that way, because everyone can tell me they see it, they feel it, they want it to happen. but that doesn't change my mind that i doubt if you could want this too. so what can i do? well i can just be me, be the one that makes you smile because it makes me laugh. and hope for the best. hope that one day you see me. that i've been here the whole time. and hope that letting you leave and coming back was really what made this last.