free spirit

"Just like yesterday, I told you I would stay, Would you always? Maybe sometimes? Make it easy? Take your time"

It was like saying things without thinking nad realizing later that i had made a complete and utter mistake. i guess i only wanted to believe that you felt something real for me. and i'm havign a good time going out with him and his friends and i'm happy going to disneyland and i'm happy to get a drink and just discuss. i'm happy that there is a wall that is being torn down, and i might clam up when certain things happen and eventually you're going to understand just why i do that, and honestly you're someone who i would want to be able to open up and tell those things too. because i trust you. in a way i haven't trusted a guy in a really long time. and i like the idea of just being able to let go. let go and not be afraid of what your reaction will be or what you'll be thinking of me. but after that moment and i'm sitting there telling you i want you just to tell me, i realize now its taking away from all of it. at first i was freaked out to know that you aren't completely over it when i was told different and had started to believe you were. it made me feel awkward and almost wondering what i was doing. but really, it only solidifies that i don't want this if you aren't ready. i've had time to get over my past relationships and even though it took me longer than i would like to admit, i had that time. i never realized you were really going through that time until you told me.

he told me i of all people should know trying to put a free spirit in a box is not the way i want to go about things. i was wondering what could be going through my mind or why i was feeling the way i as feeling when i had a dream of me standing there in front of you and and saying "this is never going to happen is it?" and not getting a response but only a look that said everything. i woke up feeling defeated and had to find out why. all was revealed when he told me its because things are even now then they ever have been before and its making me think i want certain things that i usually wouldn't want. i can't control what is going to happen. i can't control the end or even the means to the end. and really, would i want to? no because i'm all about the excitment and wonder of it all. i want things to continue the way they are going because it means something to me and it makes me happy now then it ever has before. and i have no reason to stop that or rush that now. but only to let it play its course and see what happens because when it all comes down to it i am that person that believes in soul mates and two people can be destined for each other.

and whether we are or not is not really for me to say but only for us to experience. i can give everything i have to give but i can also just be exactly who i am like i have been and see where things go from there because deep down i still believe somehwere you believe it too. not necessarily the soul mates part but more that we have something special that kind of sets us apart and although you said we both know we would not stop each other if someone else were to come along, i still believe that you believe there isn't a better someone for me than you. so when i say i'll wait i never wanted it to be a disillusion but more of a hope that renders the possibilities. because even if out loud we won't say that we want the other to wait and not go looking for someone else, it might just be better to leave it unspoken that way and almost like a silent understanding. i guess what i'm trying to say is:

"Listen; there's a hell of a good universe out there; let's go"