gone baby, don't be long

i started feeling like giving up. like letting the frustration take over again and let it go. the problem is. i really just don't want to. cuz "you got me feeling like a girl with a fiendish crush". i was sitting there thinking, if this is what he wants to do when he's around me, then why am i trying so hard. cuz when it happens i just shut down like an off switch. and it isn't easy for me to just turn back on after. and i start to think maybe he just doesn't feel the same way i do. you're mind can lead you to dangerous places when you're insecure in something that's hard to be sure of, or at least know what you should be doing. but then there are so many times when i feel like we're on the same page. sometimes i ask myself, "what if there is someone else? what would you really do?" she said we wouldn't be on the same page if that was the case. i think she's right.

he told me i do it again. i do it and i don't even realize what it is i'm doing. i start to only think about making the other person happy and preserving that happy, while losing my happy at the very same time. you know its funny because i'm always telling them to make themselves happy because its their lives and trying so hard to make everyone else happy is only going to leave them dissatisfied. and here i am. because i guess i like to believe that by his happiness can i find my happy with us. but i don't. not to say that i'm not happy with us just to say there are some things i'm unhappy with. i'm unhappy with not knowing how to act. yah i know the natural answer is to act yourself. trust me i do. but i in portions. because i'm not trying to spook someone who is already afraid. you know what i'm trying to say? there's already enough of an underlining of fear for me to make it that much thicker by putting in more feeling. i don't want to scare him away but in the same respect. i'm not getting what i feel like i need. there are some things that are missing that i want right now. i know what i want.

I want to kiss, i want to make love, i want to hold hands, i want to be something, i want to have something, i want the feelings, i want the adventure, i want the passion. but i know he isn't there yet. and that's when the frustration begins, sometimes its hard not to think "how is it that this person has spent this much time with me, has gotten to know me this much, and who knows who i am, and still doesn't want to be with me?" i always make the mistake of thinking it has something to do with me. like i'm dong something wrong. but i'm starting to realize it isn't. and i'm not. its one thing to not be ready and its a whole other thing to keep me hooked. but sometimes, he opens up a little more and there are things he does that i consider. those little things that other people might not. sometimes i think he does them to see if i notice and the funny thing is that even if i might not talk about them i completely notice and it makes me feel good inside to know someone cares enough to do those little things. i could be completely wrong, but i don't really care if i am cuz i like those little things.

they said i have to talk. i have to speak up. that i can't let myself be that girl again who just lets these things happen to her for someone else's happiness. and its true. and i will when the moment arises or at least when i get the chance. he said its the perfect situation, and i need to just let things go and see what happens. and i know he's right but she says its understandable why i'm not so comfortable with that because i'm so used to having control over things in my life now that here is something i have absolutely no control over and its scares me. don't get me wrong it scares the hell out of me. but i like it so much. i want more. that's true. but i'm not ready to say when yet. and sometimes i get so frustrated that i wish i did just say when. but i don't because then i start to realize, its still moving in the right direction and i still have enough hope in me to keep holding on a little longer. i might not know how much longer because it starts to feel like an hourglass with the sand falling through. but just enough to keep me here for now.

i know they wanted me to feel better. they wanted to encourage my progress by telling me they saw him at the spot the night before, drunk as hell, acting a fool in public. but i don't want to know. i don't want to know what he's doing or who he's with or where he is. and i know they think they are doing me a justice. but it only puts me in a funk. not because i still have feelings, or i want that part of my life back. but just because it makes me cringe to remember who i was then and although i'm happy for who i am now having escaped from that, i just don't want to know. i cut that part completely away from me and i just don't need to know about it anymore. as he says "no importa"

so baby, gone baby, just don't be too long. cuz i got this crush that's got me on hold, but a crush can only be crushing for so long before it really starts to hurt.