i'll be the rhythm and you'll be the beat

i feel like i'm pouring out all of my heartbreak into this book. like i'm writing every word with the love i felt. the love that still haunts me. i can't walk around anywhere without a reminder. She pulled me into a store so i could hear a different song than the one that was playing outside because she saw the look on my face. I really wish i was better at hiding all of this but i'm really not and it really sucks. she says its completely understandable because even if it wasn't official it was a break up but i have never felt this way after a break up. she says its because all the other ones have been so definite. they were all easy to let go because i could put them neatly into a box and let it go. but this one is different because i've never had these feelings before and i feel so stupid for having them. i feel like a fool in love and i really wish i wasnt sometimes in a way that makes it hate everything about it but in the same kinda way that i would stand outside holding a stereo over my head playing "a little bit" just to change your mind. i dont' exactly know how since i've been doing everything i can to avoid that song ever since but it keeps being played out of my control in places! its really not cool. i feel like the universe is playing some kind of prank on me just to see how much it can keep poking a pin to my heart like a voodoo doll.

I hope this book lets me let go of all of this because i need to feel myself again. i need to get back what i've been missing because of all of this. and they try to give it back to me. he keeps treating me like i'm his girlfriend. giving me things and trying to see me all the time and trying to talk to me all the time. but i already told him its not going to happen that i'm just not in the place for any of that right now because i'm really not but it just fueled the flame. she told him to give me my space and he got so defensive about it. i'm guessing because he couldn't imagine someone not wanting to spend all of their time with him. he thinks pretty highly of himself. i can see why. but i don't go for that.

he wants to see me so bad. yet another one. he's trying hard just like the other one. but again i'm here telling them i don't want anything and its not going to happen. i don't want anyone right now. ANYONE. my heart just won't be able to take any of it right now and someone is going to want something from me that i can't give because its in pieces and i'm trying to put it back together right now or at least trying to figure out how to put it together right now. that freaking humpty dumpty rhyme plays in my head every time. he says its been a long time comin but a change is gonna come. i hope he's right. i guess its time to find out.

don't let me go tonight.