angry inspiration

she said its about time i get mad. that i should be angry. and in all truth sometimes i really want to be angry. i want to be mad. she says i'm just letting him get away with it all. and i just find it funny that everyone is asking me if i've heard from him like if he didn't he would be a jerk but when he does he's still a jerk. and i want to be angry but i'm not. and i can't. because when i want to think bad thoughts about him i just can't. and even though its selfish as fuck to say "i know i shouldn't" but do it anyways because it gets my hopes up like i see them. because here i am thinking you must have been thinking of me. which means its quite possible you've been thinking about it. even for a minute. and all that does is get my hopes up.

which is what i've been trying to prevent this whole time. because i was finally starting to feel okay. i was finally starting to feel myself come back where i wasn't thinking about it all the time and then there it was. no words but a song. which is typical you but more typical us. and it hurts so good. so much so that i want to be angry. i want to be so mad. but i just can't hate you. i can't hate you because i'm still in love with you. so much so that i'm more determined now than ever to move to new york. because i'm almost afraid to do this here. you aren't defining any decsions just making it a little easier to decide no matter how complicated that might sound. i just know to you its always going to be a friendship but i already said we'd never be friends.

and it makes me so sad. it makes me so sad to know that this could be something so great. this could be something that would make us both happy. but i can't love you for the potential. because this is what it is. and that's just something i have to accept. that no matter what i've always been who i am and it just wasn't enough. and it breaks my heart so damn much. he told me that when i cry i need to just let myself cry but i'm so tired of these tears. i almost dont know why i'm crying anymore. i've never cried this much before. ever. ever. i've been good the last couple of days but that all changed. and the last thing i want to do is to be asking myself "why?" because i feel so pathetic when i do. i'm not this girl and its so frustrating to feel this way.

memories. memories keep coming around and its kinda crazy. i keep having these dreams like i'm just talking to you about what been going on. like we were talking how we would if we were hanging out or on the phone just talking. flowing with thoughts like its natural. almost in a telepathic sense that makes me think you have them to and somehow know these things i've been telling you in my dreams. but then i wake up and realize it was all just a dream.

i miss you all the time and sometimes i really hope you miss me too.