she said "i think its time to deal"

Maybe i would've been something you'd be good at. Maybe you would've been something i'd be good at.

I told her i feel like someone took a section of my stomach and now there's a big hole just in the middle of me and everything about me. She told me that's completely understandable and that i need to stop avoiding the situation and just face it. face it so i can deal with it and really let it all go. but that's exactly it. that's the hard part. i don't want to let it go yet. i'm still holding on to it. and i wish i wasn't sometimes because i feel like something is missing and it hurts. it sincerely hurts. to the point where i've almost lost all feeling. God, i sound dramatic well more like melodramatic and its really lame. i wish i didn't feel this way but i do and isn't that supposed to mean something? yah i think so too.

i'm hoping this trip helps in the same way it did last time i broke my heart. san fransisco seems to be this band aid for my broken heart if it does but i guess we'll see. even though almost all the bands i'm seeing are going to remind me of him i think i'll be okay to just let it go and have fun for myself. this is for me and no one else. san fran for 4 days will really take my mind off of it just to let loose without a care and have fun. here's to hoping at least.

i painted the other day. one painting i actually like that i didn't do from some picture but not necessarily from my head. i just took a sketching i had done before and put it to a painting. i mean its not so amazing but its not so bad either. i guess it just depends on the way you look at it. i should call it "paris tears" but no one would get it which doesn't really matter so we'll see. i still have 2 more to do and i have my idea for my 2nd one but not my 3rd one so we'll see.

honestly beyong this i don't know what else to say. i feel kind of help(less) with a side of hope(less) i hope that irony makes sense.