unlucky truths

"the same one i'm missin is basically the reason i became different. I remember the me before, and baby if you could do the same we'd be for sure."


It was kind of crazy having to explain to him the situation. i couldn't even look at him. i'm trying to tell him that i'm only going to hurt him because of the place i'm in right now and he can't even process it. he tells me it makes him jealous to know how i feel about someone else. and i'm taken back when i don't understand why this guy can't seem to get it that i never wanted him and i told him that from the beginning. i'm explaining this and at the same time realizing, was this me? was this the way he felt about me? did he not understand why i could keep loving him even though he didn't want me?

it hurts. and i'm fighting this numb feeling like i'm in a constant battle. i've read the text almost a hundred times and now i read it and i feel numb. i feel numb. and i hate it. i want to at least be angry i want to feel something. but i don't. i look over at my phone and i just want you to call me. i could never pick up the phone though. i was watching project runway today and one of the girls said "cra cra" and i wish i could've called you just to tell you. but i couldn't and i can't and it sucks! i really don't like that i can't have you in my life but i can't and i know its supposed to be for my "own good" but at the same time i want to have you around so bad. but i can't. i can't because then i'll never stop loving you.

but now, i've gone back to telling myself you won't come see me when you come home. and i'm starting to finally feel myself letting go. its moving very gradually but i think i might be falling out of love with you. and that almost hurts more than being in love with you.