and then we started from the beginning.

it was like catching my breath. she told me to just breath. she is always right that way. i was driving there and getting so nervous. i was nervous for a number of reasons but mainly because i didn't know how he would be when he finally saw me. usually getting close to the 2 week mark of not seeing each other he starts to close back up. i was worried this might happen, but i don't know how much it did. it seemed like he did a little bit but nothing too extreme. i thought i was shaking until i realized my body was completely calm. once he was in my arms, everything took a deep a sigh. and at first i felt a little awkward, but once i sat down that all washed away and to be there with him was like kissing away all the stress that had found its way to me days before. the sensation of relaxation washed over me like a peace of mind. and i realized my love had come home.

i was able to sleep normal again because i had finally let a lot go. the next day she called and i let myself tell her the way things had been and the way things were. she knew me well enough to know i wasn't completely opened, to tell me everything was okay. i told her about the messages and she laughed at the irony. she told me how amazing it was to know things had turned out to be this way after all the pain he had caused. i remembered when she had written that it was abuse and should be called so, and that she saw now what i had to go through and how absolutely sorry she was about everything and seeing it and not doing anything about it. but really she gave me the greatest gift in those messages. it was knowing that i had finally let it all go. i almost feel sorry for him now. but like he said, if life was a basketball game, i would've just dunked on him. so i continue to be absolutely satisfied that all of that is behind me now and i've surpassed the expectations he ever had of me and for me.

it was all completely simple but everything i had asked for in a new years celebration. i'm really only satisfied that i got that quality time, that moment, and that memory. even if it meant missing the countdown, everything else made it completely worth it. and i was so grateful to get such a beautiful day the next day. it was so relaxing and comfortable. the day said everything in itself. sometimes i feel like i starting letting myself go in it all, and i try to reel myself back in. because i don't want to be too much too soon. what i mean by that is sometimes i feel like i'm too affectionate with my words. my actions i could probably be a little more affectionate. but i don't want to pressure him too much with my words. i'm starting to feel like i'm doing that. i know it shouldn't matter if you care about the person and they care about you, but i'm afraid of putting it on too much for him. why might i be feeling this way? because i feel like i say it more than i'm hearing it. not to say i don't appreciate anything that he does for me because of course i do. just i wish i could hear the words more. but i don't want to make him do anything he doesn't feel he wants to which is why i don't say anything about it. i just let it go. hearing that i'm pretty, or i look good is all good and i appreciate it. but i want to know you see past my appearances. i hear it when we have our talks. but other than that i would like to hear it just because you feel like saying it. i'm starting to feel like i could be just being picky but i don't feel like its too much to ask. and i really don't ask for much. or i at least try not to. i think i just start feeling like if i'm saying this i know i feel it but if he isn't saying it maybe he doesn't feel the same way. i need to stop letting myself doubt that someone could actually really care about me.

and it was so stupid. i really just let my mind wander when i'm mad. so instead of realizing it was just a simple something that could have easily been resolved before falling asleep. i let myself go to sleep mad thinking of all the bad things this could mean. that i could've found another person to care about that can't admit when they're wrong and just say sorry. that everything is always going to be turned around to be my fault. and then i start getting more angry which usually just gives me a stomach ache so i lose mentally and physically. gosh i can be such a wreck sometimes. but luckily i usually come back to my senses and realize that i can't assume that he is anything like anyone else. i know before he had assumptions of how i had to act or would act because know i am "girlfriend" but he knows now those expectations are all wrong. and so i can't do the same thing to him. i can't assume that he is going to be a certain way because of someone else's behaviors. he is completely different and knows me in a completely different way. more so than anyone else before. so i need to let all that go and just explain why i'm mad or angry and let it go. which i did. just later than i probably should have. but now that we know and we see i'm sure this would be a completely different circumstance if it ever happened again. i have to remember that this is a grown up relationship. we aren't kids anymore. this isn't high school. this isn't even early twenties of messing around. this is a real commitment. i know i use that word but connection seems like the better word. i can't revert to the way things used to be when i was younger and continue to just be me and go along with what i feel is right. which is talking it out. not letting things get out of hand. and resolving it and moving on. it really comes down to a sincere apology. if someone is willing to admit that they were wrong and apologize for that, there is no reason to hold on to anger because it never gets you anywhere. and it could end up damaging more than healing.

i'm nervous to start this new position this week. i'm really excited about it and i want to do really well, but at the same time i'm hoping i can give it everything i've got and have it be enough. growth is a process and i really just want to learn so i can be better for myself and my career.

i find myself unsure of what this year will bring. i have goals in mind for myself. but at the same time i've come to realize the odd number years are usually bad and painful for me. the even years are when i succeed in something amazing. so i'm hoping that this odd number year will be different for me. i want to succeed in making something of myself or at least making a big step towards that. and i'm hoping that everything else finds its way to me. of course i will work for them. but i want love, happiness, friendship, and many other great blessings. and although i know they can't come without paying the price with negative things, i will pay whatever price i have to pay to find those great things in my life. because i will continue to believe that life is capable of the most incredible things for myself if i just work and try for the things i want for myself. this is the beginning of this time of my life. and i'm ready to take it all and run with my wild child spirit and see where i go. some how some way i'll find myself somewhere worth every step of getting there. besides, i do love to travel.