there ain't no turnin' back for me. i'm in it till it's over.

This might seem bitter and angry from the start. it really isn't. i'm completely calm as i'm about to lay this all out. if i never completely let myself go in an entry before. now it's about to really all come out.

i have been the daughter you couldn't like, the sister you didn't care to know, the girlfriend you couldn't love, and all characteristics of always barely hitting the mark. i thought i was going out of my way to do something nice for her. to do something she wished every one else would do that never really does. and here i was being that person for her because i had the time. instead she sat there across from me again hitting all her bases of giving him excuses for his behavior. she turned around and asked me what i would have planned for myself moving forward without his financial support. like i can't survive without their money. but i have survived all the same and i would've found a way to do it no matter what. but of course they could never see that. she told me i'm the one that agitates him. she turned her words to point them at me like school kids making fun of the weird kid who just fell.

i was taking it like a hit but mostly like a low blow. because here i was realizing that i wish this was all just a dream. i feel like i've been in a nightmare i can't wake up from. the only thing keeping my head above water right now is work. its a break from everything else where all i think about is work and what i'm doing there. i made big steps today but once i leave its like everything comes back to haunt me.

i know i'm winded from everything but it has me really feeling like i just cant' be enough for anything else but myself because i don't really expect too much from myself and just kind of go wherever my heart takes me to that day. i like the free spirit feel i've let myself adapt to but at the same time i always felt it kept me apart from everyone else. because here i am telling him that i'm making up problems in my head that might not actually be there because i feel like something is wrong. or something has to be wrong. he told me its understandable because i spent most of my life being told i was never going to be worthy or good enough in anything i do or for anyone else. and here i am completely believing these things to be true. and God how it hurts so bad. because i feel like i need a little reassurance because now i'm really starting to feel like he's got one foot outside of the door. and i could be completely wrong but at the same time i just can't shake the feeling lately.

he told me i internalize all of these things so why can't i internalize telling myself there is nothing wrong with my relationship and everything is good? because i've completely convinced myself i'll never be enough for someone to love anymore. and he's right that it isn't the asshole failing me but me failing myself which is one of the most miserable feelings i've encountered. and i want to explain all of this but i don't know how and i know it'll make me look crazy if in fact i'm completely wrong and he is actually happy with our relationship and still wants to be with me and thinks i'm completely enough for him. but the boundaries of my insecurities are really crippling. and i'm trying ot move past them because i do have a sudden urge to help myself. to get up and keep moving forward. and i've already began a plan to do so that has the possibility of moving me out sooner than i had hoped. but at the same time emotionally i'm stuck in a rut and i don't know how to get out. and i need his help but i'm too afraid to even talk to him about it. i just need some reassurance and i can't even tell him that.

i need to figure something out or i'm going to end up ruining something great. i could possibly just need more sleep. or another vacation. i want to love completely and be happy and that might sound surreal and impossible but its something i want for myself and i haven't let anything stop me from what i want before and i can't let this stop me now because it is all at my fingertips and i need to just let go and let it flood in because i can't keep thinking i'm unworthy of anything positive for myself because someone told me one time that i was never going to be enough for anyone. that i was a coldhearted bitch that no one could ever really love. (yes he did actually say that).

i don't need prince charming i just need someone who can see me and say, "that is the woman i love". and honestly mean it. but here i am falling to pieces because of something that might not be real. but has me shaken up. and i can't. i know tomorrow i'll wake up and go about my day and put myself back together again. because that is exactly what i do time and time again. i won't let this break me. love will love me someday.