promises promises promises

I went to see Somewhere last night and saw another preview for Jane Eyre which of course i am dying to see. but it reminded me of where all these passions and faiths came from. I read Jane Eyre when I was in the second grade. It wasn't assigned reading or anything, I just wanted to read it on my own. I was weird that way. but its okay. I remember being in love with who Jane Eyre was. She was plane but completely satisfied with being that way. She was her own person and although she went through a lot to get there, she was proud of who she was. She meets a man that from her better judgment she falls in love with. and despite all that happened to them. the fact that he wasn't who he used to be. she loved him anyways with all of his faults. It makes sense that this would be one of my favorite books of all time along with Gone with the Wind being one of my favorite movies of all time. These women who were satisfied with who they were who found a love they didn't give up on through all the trials and tribulations. It really is nice to dream sometimes.

She said, "I know you don't want to hear this right now. But one day you will have a husband that love you more than anyone ever has. and he will appreciate everything that you are. because you are an amazing girlfriend and i know that will only translate into an amazing wife." She was right that I didn't want to hear that right now. It might be confusing as to why, but she knows why. She is my Helen Burns. mainly because I don't want to think about any prospective relationships right now. i'm too busy trying to get myself situated to give it a second glance.

They keep trying to talk to me like something will happen when they do. i feel like i haven't even had a chance to breath yet and they already want to see what scraps they can get. I'm better than that because i would rather save myself then die again in another's arms. i love who they have been to me. they never cease to amaze me when it comes to love they have for me. always checking up on me because they know how i was before, but this time i really am okay. and i really don't care. it makes me a little cold hearted and emotionless at the moment. but that's better than being angry or sad. one day at a time.

I tell him i'm nervous. he tells me not to be. how can i not when it comes to one of the most largest music corporations in the world? he keeps telling me i'm made for that world. i'm ready for them to bring it on. i'm ready to get involved. i'm ready to get the ball finally rolling. the future seems so much brighter in that world.

"he doesn't care about you." "he never cared about you." "you should hate him for this" "i hate him for this" "you never deserved this" "i can't believe he did this to you" "i can't believe he would hurt you like this" "he really doesn't care about you" "you should never speak to him again" "you should just delete him completely from your life" "he doesn't even deserve to have you in his life" "you were too good to him" "you did nothing wrong" "he doesn't care about you" "he doesn't care about you" "he doesn't care about you" "he doesn't care about you"....

trying to flush it all out like i have water in my ears from swimming in a pool of too many words at one time. i don't want to hear it anymore. i don't want to talk about it anymore. i just want to let it all go. put it in the box, set it at the top of the shelf, and walk away. you can say whatever you want to about me. you can think whatever you want about me. but i don't care anymore. it isn't going to change anything. to say it was mutual is to lie to yourself to make yourself feel better. be truthful at least for your own sake. but i guess that doesn't matter much anymore either. they keep trying to tell me what the grown up thing to do is. but honestly for me. the grown up thing is to not say anything bad and just walk away from it. i don't even have my head raised high because i can't in this situation. its just too hard. and its just too sad. so i walk away from the words. the thoughts. the heart break. and the hurt. its much better without me. i let it all fall to its own devices and walk away because drama is too much energy and i have better things to do with my time.

i continue the moves. they are coming for me. taking me to my band-aid for the break ups. ironically i always end up there. so san francisco, i've missed you. its been too long. show me what you got. and make me forget i lost my heart that one time. show me something new and move out of this numbness because i don't feel anything anymore. and if you could jump start that kick in me. bring back the fire. give me back my passion. i'll be eternally thankful. sweet. thanks.




"I sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to you--especially when you are near me, as now: it is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of your little frame. And if that boisterous channel, and two hundred miles or so of land come broad between us, I am afraid that cord of communion will be snapt; and then I've a nervous notion I should take to bleeding inwardly." -Mr. Rochester (Jane Eyre)