I cross the line, then i'll let God decide

love get out of my way, get out of my way. look what you're doing to me.

yes, so i talk better through music. i can type for days my feelings but i feel like i can never get the point across as much as the music can. so for a while the posts will be full of songs with things i am trying to say. from different perspectives. to give myself the chance to really say what i want. to really release what needs to be said.

they keep talking about what this could mean for me. this huge opportunity. apparently that is going to fic all of my financial worries and fears that will have me making the money i had always hoped to be making doing what i love and that i will get to do as my career. i guess i am one of the lucky ones that will get to have something like that because i can take full advantage of it. i plan on taking it by storm. hitting the city like a "mother fuckin' monster". he said its because i have a passion for it and a knowledge that some people might not have. i have a knack for it and it all comes naturally to me because i just let go and do what i love and i end up finding myself ahead of the game because it just come natural. i feel like that's true. and because it is i can do things like go up to the singer of the band after the show and just talk to him like he's someone i might have met before just to ask questions and get information. luckily he was super humble and didn't think he was as big of a deal as he actually is. and they're telling me they have big things planned for me and i'm realizing this opportunity is everything i could possibly dream of for myself. that has me moving farther forward than i gave myself credit for right now. i just need to keep my game up and kill it every time. something i think i'm completely capable of. and i think by coachella things are really going to be interesting. and yes i'm excited to say its official, another coachella for me this year. i already know its going to be as epic as it was last year. maybe not to the same degree for the obvious reason but still pretty amazing since now i'm going to personally know some of the bands and be able to do things i wasn't able to do last year.



i was only wanting simplistic truths and only got complicated white lies.

i woke up forgetting what happened. he asks me if it hits me again every time that happens. i think it does a little less every time. i remember when he said that if what ifs were a 5th you'd be drunk every day. but now i realize sobriety never felt so good. i drove home in the normal traffic today and smiled listening to the truths. the way things really are and that a creature of habit can never be anything more than exactly what its always been. and that makes me feel sorry for you. i want to be angry and say grow up. every one gets hurt some time. it's apart of life and its a process, but that doesn't mean you hold on to it like a life vest because its only going to fool you into drowning yourself whole and then when you're wondering why you can't change. its because apologies that you don't really mean are never going to fix you. get over yourself and move on because pain is the inevitable. it sucks but if we never went through it, then we would never know what happiness could ever be. but you're so blinded by the hurt. by the past. by the person you think you are. you're stagnant in it. like quicksand, you're sinking fast. i'm lucky you didn't take me down with you. but that's why i feel bad for you. not so much a pity, but a remorse for the person you could've been. for the relationship that was possible. but it was the 4month mark and the alarm on your heart went off. and like the creature of habit you are, you backed out for the same reasons as before. and so...



you better stop and think about what you're doing.

i think today was finally when i started having moments of tearing up for no real reason. each day gets a little easier as far as i can tell. especially since i haven't had time to sit down. its like every minute of every day so far has been full of something to do and as far as i can tell that's not going to stop for a while. there's so much to do now. at times i feel like another wave comes because there's something i wish i could say. just random stuff. i'm sure nothing of importance but things that might have been important to us. things i'm sure you wouldn't care about now. i guess because it didn't seem like you really cared at all when i walked away. and i'm pretty positive that's true. i guess its better if i believe its true. but then i see these like this and i hope...




that some how some way someone would be willing to try for me. enough to think i'm completely worth doing everything they could to have me in their life. although i know that isn't you. i don't think i'm hoping its you anymore. i think i'm hoping its someone else because no matter how much i ever wished you were capable of it. i don't really think you are. i've come to notice that it was all a lot of talk and no action. i started to realize the good came with a price. and for a while i thought the price of waiting for the good was worth it. but i don't know if i believe that anymore. i don't know if i believe anything i thought before is accountable now. i guess i'll figure that out along the way. as for now i'm going to leave it alone. i'd rather not touch it for now. i think my heart has been through enough. it would've been easier if you had just slammed it in the door. put it in the microwave, and blended it for a while. but for some miracle, it keeps beating. like love is this cure-all that's just going to happen to me all of a sudden. so no matter what you've done to it. it just so happens to still be in one piece. i guess my faith has always been stronger than my hope and fears. and God willing it always stays that way.

"This is going to be a beautiful death. i'm jumpin' out the window. lettin' everything go."



"you've got it wrong if you say our love is gone"