i have too many moves to be in a bad mood.

I know its late. i know i'm tired. i know i'm exhausted and should just go to sleep. but these thoughts are contaminating me and i need to get them out before they turn me back to stone. i feel like there is a challenge to break my skin because my blood runs so cold these days. he says i can't let this ruin the chance for someone better to come along and i just don't care. I almost wish i did so i knew i felt something. but i don't.

reckless abandon and i've lost hope. hope and fears are a thing of the past and i realize i have these opportunities in front of me that almost shock me. i never thought i could be here holding on to something that so great for myself. my career seems to be taking a full stride forward. and i'm shocked that someone would see that as a disadvantage. i don't. and it keeps me moving forward. its had me so engulfed in so many things to keep my mind busy and although i appreciate that so much. when it stops i don't know how to feel. which makes it this great distraction. and when they are telling me of all these things that are to come, i'm so excited that it means more distractions. but then when i stop and i think about what is going on. its like i grow cold and i feel nothing. i don't understand how in the last month these things could turn so heartless and these people can be so selfish. when i was everything they wanted. i was everything good they were hoping for. i've now equated you to my father, leaving when times get tough. hurting those you should be loving because you don't want to think about or deal with the emotions you just can't understand.

i want to be angry and i want to be sad but i feel nothing. so i realize now that i'm falling out of love. i wish someone would have told me that its a lot harder falling out of love is a lot harder than falling in love. now i know i'm capable of really loving someone for who they are beyond all their faults and all my better judgment. but now i'm hoping it doesn't happen again. one time was enough for me. and i'm trying to breath through this falling out of love. because i feel it coming like a storm and the back of my mind is thinking, "is this really what you want? do you want me to stop loving you for always? because that's what is happening. and i don't think you're going to be able to come back through this door again after its reached the end". is it ok to lose me forever? is it worth it? and are you really okay with it?

because i'm almost convinced you don't care. i really don't think you are capable of changing the circumstances when these locks have been changed. I don't think you would ever be willing and i don't think you would have it in you. when guys want the challenge. i think its in that. to try to win back the love you lost. when you finally realize it was for you all along. but i think you would lose. and its so cold. cold. cold cold cold...



"Never was much of a romantic. I could never take the intimacy. And i know it did damage. Plus, the look in your eyes is killing me. I guess i knew an advantage. 'Cause you can blame me for every thing. and i don't know how i'm gonna manage If one day, you just up and leave. and i always find something wrong. yeah, i always find something wrong. you've been putting up with my shit just way too long. i'm so gifted at finding what i don't like the most. so i think its time for us to have a toast."



you wanted me to runaway. i'm running away as far as i can. and i think this time. you can't catch me.