I don't want to spend the night thinking about how to spend my life. I don't want to spend my time waiting for you. My life as an open book, you write a chapter but will it end happily ever after?
He takes me in his arm and holds me close. he started telling me more personal aspects of his life. It almost shocked me because i felt that opening up just opened up to more feelings i don't want. I don't want them to be there. She says she thinks he's in the inbetween right now. He's in the middle of getting himself some feelings he doesn't want to be there. yet, we can't slow down because i know we both don't want to. its just too much fun. but when i'm testing the waters to see if you will still try to talk to me if i don't try to talk to me. and you do. you reach out to me no matter if its at the weirdest times. its like you just can't resist. and then i really start to think maybe she's right. i know you were thrown off when she was there with me. you were hoping i would be alone and i wasn't. you told me you wanted to cool things down. you didn't want me to touch you. you wanted to keep a certain distance. but by the next morning you're knocking on my phone wanting more of everything. Now you want to test to see how far you can get away with. but here's the catch. here's the flip side to the silver dollar you're hoping is in your hand. you never were anything more to me than exactly what i made you out to be. you are so afraid of feelings that i don't have. i'm still numb to the touch and unfortunately for you, those feelings i am starting to see in your eyes are not reciprocated on this side. i'm living for fun in the last 3 months i'm here. and you knew this. i told you. test what you will but you'll only hurt yourself in the long run. i'm not that girl.
he won't let it go. he wants me to be something for him that i won't. i'm no idiot. and i know my way around the block. didn't you get the hint when i didn't text you? apparently not. its okay. you're not going to get to me no matter how hard you try. i'm keeping everything at an arm's distance. i just can't right now. i just don't want to. Then I have the other one that's been trying to dig under my skin for some time coming at me like its his last chance for something. but he's going to find himself at a loss too. anyone trying to get themselves attached to me right now is only going to feel the pain of loss. i'm moving forward. living my life as much as i can. and no one can keep up right now. no one is worth it to me right now to even begin to think about that. i have my friends right now and they've been keeping me on the go. giving me the best of the rest of my time in california. that's all that matters right now. besides getting myself ready for new york.
I started realizing all the things i'm going to miss when i leave and it had me almost not wanting to leave. i almost found myself not wanting to go because of how much i really do love where i am. but then i realize, if i'm going to do something good for myself, this is it. this is what i've been wanting for myself all along. and no one is going to give it to me the way its going now. and i need to take advantage of that and just take it and run with it. and i'll be able to make something better for myself over there. and my home is never moving. its not going anywhere. although things will be different whenever i come back. it will still always be my home. i know its going to take some adjusting but i think its going to be something i love. something i get used to. and something that really will be what makes me happy. because in reality, i really do need to get out of here. i set a new years resolution for myself that i made come true. besides all those who thought i couldn't do it. who thought i could never get myself to where i am now. they can suck it. because here i am moving out before i turn 25 just like i said i would and to the city i really want to be. i said that's where i would move and now i'm doing it. i guess now you'll believe me when i say i'm going to do something.
he said it takes 3 months. he said i'm only at 2 and i have 1 more to go before everything is normal again. i say, my mind is too busy to be concerned with it a month ago let alone a month from now. i can't hold on to someone who can't, didn't, and won't hold on to me.
When are we going to grow up?
I can't seem to think straight when i think about how you love me...Our love is like a saga or a trilogy, the drama is killing me. Till your love runneth over, I need a cup.
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