sooner or later

so can you do me a favor if i pull it together make it sooner than later, we won't be here forever and i realize i waited too long. please don't move on. you don't need no one else.

he asked me if i was going to see her. i told him yes. he told me the war between us was over and handed me some money. i knew right then nothing was different.there was no apology. there was no "i was wrong." it was just a drop it so i can feel okay. i can come out of hiding when you're around. he called me the next day and i told him all about it. i told him i was going to be civil but always and forever keep him at arms length. because he hit me where he could even with his ending of the war. he said, "so i guess he's my dog now." knowing that's the one thing i can't take with me. that kills me because its like having to leave my kid behind. and i try and spend as much time as i can with him now. because i know when i'm gone i'm going to miss him so bad and i'm going to get him back because he's mine but he didn't have to hit me with that one. i let it go and he tells me he's proud of me. he tries to hug me but i don't let him. i just couldn't do anything but walk away from him.

I should've known better than to think this was real and you could be mine. i should've known better. but i just kept thinking this could be something. this could be something. but maybe it's just nothing at all.

i sat there next to them and i told her what was going on. i thought she was cry more. but i don't think she wanted me to see her tears. i don't think she wanted to make me feel guilty. or make me feel like i had to stay. she slightly shed a tear and let me go. she told me later that on the phone with her she cried up a storm and that's when i knew she was holding it in to let me go. she told me she knew it was what i always wanted and it was going to be good for me. i always hope she's right.

they always say the hottest love has the coldest end.

he was enticing me all day. provoking me. wanting me. trying for me. he says something i don't like and i get him back for it but find myself at his door anyways because i know he wants me no matter what he says. he keeps hi stricted rules for himself. and i know that. and its okay. he jokes that he doesn't want me to get attached but he looks at me and kisses me like he means it sometimes. and when i was about to leave he gave me a look. a look i'm familiar with. so i turned and walked out the door. i can't let him get close. i can only use him. the fun is still there and we both know it. there's a chemistry there that can't be denied and he admits to it more than i think he wants to. i play with it because i can. and we find ourselves in the depths of how good it feels. and its all a secret. a secret that has me wanting more of exactly what it is now. but i'm going to let it go for now slowly because i don't know if its good. its not. its definitely bad and i just need to start letting it go. because those looks will start to linger and i'll realize what's going on more than what should be there.

i find myself letting go. i think about it less and my head is filled with so much of everything else. i know this is supposed to be a good thing. but is it?