find your love

"I better find your lovin', i better find your heart"

this song is so amazing but it hits so close to home for me right now and i can't stop listening to it.

he says its being artificial like i get what i want and i question it like it can't be real so i can make it into something less than what it is. its true for sure. and i'm trying to work on that. because i'm going to get myself no where doing that. i need to just let myself go and let things go the way they're suppose to on their own. i can do it. i know i can. i told him its just the vulnerability of it all is the part that gets so scary so i do what i do best and believe its something i've made up in my head that can't be real. but not this time. i remember when he asked when my feelings started. its funny because i remember when because it was like he stuck. i knew there was something there. like there had always been something there. i didn't know exactly what it was. i just knew it was there. something i couldn't shake like i couldn't get him out of my system. and i definitely tried, but i guess it never works when there is something attracting you like a magnet.

but at this point i almost just don't care anymore. he said before i didn't care. like it was the real me. its true. the real me never cares about anything. i was trying to change that so i could be more affectionate and care. but because when i didn't care neither did he. but i think there's so much else going on right now that i just can't care about what's going on right now. i need to keep trying to do me on this side and see him on the B side. because something tells me that no matter what, he's still going to be there somewhere.

today i told him the day and the decisions i had made about my tattoo and when i was getting it. i was scared out of my mind don't get me wrong. cuz its him and he's the scariest person i've ever known. the one that's always been the hardest on me. but i knew that if i was just upfront and honest with him it would be alright even if he screamed at me for a good hour. but he didn't. i think because deep down he knows its something i need to do for myself even if he doesn't agree. that or he knows i'm going to do it no matter what. my mind has already been made up. he told me he doesn't agree but that if i'm going to do it then he can't stop me. now i'm jsut counting down the days because this is such a big deal to me. such a big deal. he was the only man my entire life who was consistent and this happy male figure for me. he held so much in my life. i would give anything just to say two words to him again. and it breaks my heart all the time thinking about it. but he told me i couldn't go with him. and every day i stay behind i'm hoping i'm make him proud some how because i've worked so hard for him.

not to say my dad hasn't been a male figure in my life. just me and him haven't had the best relationship. there have been a lot of hardships with us. but when it comes down to it. when shit hits the fan. he's the only one i've ever trusted with my life. he's someone i could be completely honest and crazy with and still just take me fore exactly who i am. my dad is the only man that's ever fought for me. when no one else did. because no one else could. and for that, i have nothing but respect for him.

she told me i have to go to the doctor this time. that's its just getting too bad and i can't keep going on with this much pain. i know i need to but i really don't want to. its like every time i go i'm asking for some bad news. i don't want her to tell me what i already think she's going to tell me but i'll go anyways. because she's right. i just hope they can fix it or find a way to help me maintain it better again. because i know what it is that's causing it. it isn't the food. i know what it is. and its just going to get worse for the next month. after june it will go away for a while. i know it will. i just need may to go by as fast as humanly possible.