something sometimes

i was going through some old notebooks i had for class. reading through all the old notes i had made for chemistry and statistics and other math and problem solving. and i came across a poem i had written last year. i had no idea it was even there. there was still hope laced around it, but at the end i talked about how i needed someone to stop me in my tracks. someone to make me slow down and see them for who they are. because i'm always moving so fast completely surrounded by my own world and all i wanted was for someone to come in and slow me down. ironic that he tells me moving at such a fast pace has always been who i am and its just what i do and someone slowing me down just takes away from who i am. and although he could be right. all i've ever wanted was for someone to slow me down to show me. to tell me. to give me. something real. something that was worth slowing down for. you might ask why i need to slow down in the first place. because i'll lose my mind constantly continuing to bulldoze through life the way i do.

i'm always moving on to the next thing because letting myself let go into something, someone, is even more scarier than the last time. because everyone takes advantage. and it sucks me dry. it really does. and i don't want to go back to that. i don't want to feel that way anymore. and although i'm completely hopeful in love and although i want to know it again. i'm really starting to think, it might just not be for me. she told me it would be worth the wait. and something tells me that it will be. or at least it could be. and i'm starting to realize that all of my pieces are falling into place. everything i've wanted has been happening and everything is becoming real, but for me there is always something shattering that reminds me i'm still me. and i keep expecting that ball to drop any time now. like there is something that is going to make me feel like i don't deserve it. and my mind keeps going to him. like he doesn't care and this isn't going to happen and there is someone else and all i do is drive myself crazy thinking about it.

she told me i always have this tendency to think too much. and having something that isn't secure subjects me to my over thinking. which it has. and she's right. but when everything is going so good, i can't help to expect something i care about to all of a sudden go horribly bad. and it always seems to be the thing i really care about. so of course my mind goes to him. because what better way for something to go bad then the thing that could really break my heart? and don't get me wrong i tell myself its all in my head because i can't seem to talk to him about it. God knows i want to. but i just can't because all of this is on his time. i'm here waiting because he isn't ready and i don't want to rush him and i don't want to pressure him but even to read a text that says i'm "kinda" big deal means a lot because i don't know. i don't know and i can assume, but really where does that leave me? to assume something that might not be real? and if i tell him how i feel i could just be pushing him further away from me. and that's the last thing i want to do.

so i'm here with all of this hoping it just goes away so i can keep going on relaxed about the situation. but right now i'm just not. because i have things i want to say and i'm sitting here on them letting them build up in me. and he tells me i'm just being the hero again. but im just being me. kinda. well i am its just feeling like there are things i can't say makes it hard for me to feel like i'm being myself. because i don't think he would take it very well for me to tell him that i find myself falling for him all the time, and that i don't want to be with anyone else.

i keep trying to distract myself from remembering that next month is may. right now i've down a good job of keeping my mind elsewhere, because i don't really know how i'm going to feel or what i'm going to do when i realize what may means for me now. at least i have him to tell all that stuff to because it was this time last year that i started talking to him about all this and he still tells me i'm complicated. haha that really hasn't changed, but he's the professional. i'll just be happy if the dreams stay away. i'll be even happier if they don't come true. i sometimes really hate that they keep that picture of him so big where i have to see it all the time. because it only reminds me how much i miss him all the time. all the time. one day at a time. its always one day at a time.

i might be starting to really realize why i am the exception. now if only i was the exception to being the exception. then maybe all the pain wouldn't be hiding in the background and my optimism would always just be there, not always working itself to the bone trying to keep me alive. it does work so hard. and i thank it all the time. because without it, i don't even want to know.