words and a letter

i knew what was going to happen. i knew the situation. i knew he wanted something when he put his hand on my shoulder. it became even more evident when he called me with her number, knowing i would know it wasn't him. i could tell he wanted me. i knew he did when he kept asking me questions trying to find out more about me. i kept catching him looking at me. he put his arm around me to talk and i already knew where he was trying to take this. he wanted to know me. he was interesting but not intriguing. he was good looking and tall in the ways that i know most girls look for with that sensitive side that you know he could romance you in the way to make you melt in his hands. he asked me if i liked to be kept on my toes. like i didn't know what that was suppose to mean. i told him yes. and he gave me a look like he could be that guy. but i knew right when i shook his hand, he was just another one i would bulldoze like it was a sport and i played in the majors. it almost made me feel bad for him that i knew he was trying without trying to make it obvious he was trying. but my mind wasn't on him. and wouldn't be. he could have had a chance but he's missing too much to make it with me.

she said she's afraid. that she isn't ready but she wouldn't want him to be with anyone else. she would be willing to be with him even if she isn't ready to not lose him. and sometimes i think that's how he feels. that he can't picture me being with anyone else but him. and sometimes i really hope i'm right, because i think its very possibly true. but at the same time it like a catch 22, because then i have to wait for someone who isn't ready and although i'm willing it gets really hard sometimes because i want him to want me so bad, and at the same time feel like he doesn't. i'm starting to feel like my hourglass is running low and i keep trying to slow down the sand. but i'm not sure if i can.


he told me to write it down in a letter. the emotions i'm holding on to. to look it over for a week and see how i feel about it then. so here is my letter:

when i thought about what i wanted to write down at first. the only thing i wanted to write was: "do you want to be with me?". because i realize there is a difference between asking yourself if you're ready to be in a relationship in general, and if you want to be in a relationship with me. i understand not being ready. and i know i want you to be ready. but i need to know how you feel because i'm starting to feel like i don't know what we're doing. i know we've been consistent and you've been showing me how much you care. but i'm feeling like something is missing, and its making me feel like i'm not as happy as i could be. not to say that i'm not happy, just to say that there is something missing holding back the potential in happiness. i know what i want. and i want to be with you. but i want to know how you feel. have your feelings grown? have they changed? are we progressing or are we at a stand still? because if you tell me that someday you want us to be together, than at least let me know i'm something to you. i want to know that even if you introduce me to everyone as your friend, i'm still more than a friend to you. i'm someone you consider. because i want the kissing, i want the adventures, i want the hugs, i want the passion, and i want everything else that comes with it.

i know sometimes i hold back, and its because i don't want to pressure you. i don't want to make things uncomfortable for you. but the problem with that is, i end up giving up the things that make me happy. i'm trying to work on the affectionate parts of myself and i want to be more affectionate but i don't know where that puts me with us. i don't know where i'm crossing some kind of line. and it really confuses me sometimes, which just in turn frustrates me. and i'm afraid to get back to the frustrated part of myself, because i don't want to feel like i keep running into a wall again. because i there are only so many times i can feel like i'm running into a wall before i start realizing how much it really hurts. because when i think about if i could let you go again, i really don't think i could. and i want to know if you feel the same.

i know we both have a lot on our plates right now. and i know time is something that won't come often for us. but i'm okay with that knowing that you still think about me. i'm okay with not having to spend every minute with you knowing that we both have our own things to take care of, as long as i know there is something for us at the end of that tunnel. i just want to share something with you, because i have these feelings for you, and they keep growing more and more, but i can't keep doing this if you can't see yourself with me at all. because i really don't want to end up in this friend zone always hoping for something more. the last thing i want to do is pressure you. i don't want to force you into anything. i just need to know how you feel. and my question is, do you see us ever having something? do you want to be with me?