spring couldn't get here any sooner

I was there disappointed that once again she was let down by her own in a time when her love isn't there to change her mind. She tells me she wouldn't change anything and she would do it all over but i can't imagine the empty bed she sleeps in. I don't know anyone that understands and although i'm trying to find that person that does. i keep hoping that you're there because i get that now she never has to wonder. she never has to question because she realizes. she had her love and although she tells me all the time that i can't expect it to not be there. "he's getting here as fast as he possibly can" is all i can remember them telling me but i keep looking at that picture frame i didn't have it in me to fill with his picture because the love was gone. there is the postcard she gave me that reminds me i'm not alone. there's the tickets that give me hope. there are the pictures that give me love. and its the mixing pot of everything that once was and still is.

she was talking about good byes like they were a perfect normality in nature that we're constantly coming across because it is meant to change us, to transform us, to help us grow. and even if they hurt and even if they are for the good, good byes are a force of nature we can only comply with sometimes. and even if i find more good byes than hellos. i'm constantly wondering why people don't fight more. i used to believe that if someone were to leave me i would just say good bye because i would know they didn't want me. but i'm starting to realize that i never followed my own rules. i guess i just wanted to believe that i did everything i could to keep that person from leaving. but that's just it. always fighting for people who are never fighting for me. and i want to give it up so bad. believe you and me i do but i just can't because i won't do to others that i wouldn't want done to me. and i'm constantly hoping to come across that person that fights for me. that person that doesn't just let me walk away because i won't just walk away from someone i really care about. and it happens all the time.

it might mean me getting taken advantage of or finding people who don't care much about me. but i guess that's just my price to pay for feeling like "i'm one step closer to what i'm looking for". sacrifices can be martyrdom but i never felt bad about being a martyr because i always gave everything i had to give. i wouldn't change any of it. even if there was so much pain i would never change any of it because i would never have thought to see the brighter side of my field. you might break my heart but you might also be the one that changes the way i see certain things i need to. so if that be the case all i have are kudos because no one would have been able to do that for me in that part of myself but you.

is it really possible for someone to distance themselves from you because they are afraid of what they might feel if they get too close? i'm wondering why people would want to reject themselves from such honest feelings. is it fear? is it insecurity? what? i don't know if i would be comfortable denying myself of something that could end up being this amazing experience. i've always done everything i ever said i would. that's one thing i have to depend on myself. and although he's right that i tell myself that it isn't possible for him to feel anything for me so that i don't have to pay attention to any emotional or sensitive aspect of it all, i know it is in that aspect that i deny myself of something. but i feel that its only a reaction. this gravity just gets so heavy sometimes. its almost like forgiving and forgetting. except in my case. its getting over and moving on. so here we are at this open space ready for our turn, and i can't help but leap forward leaving it all in the background till everything it used to be for me just fades away. and although one day i might not be okay with that realization, there will be someone else there to remind me, it was the only option i had.