more than you thought i was

"i'll be more than a lover, more than a woman, more than a love for you"

Every where i look i'm finding more reasons to hope that love isn't far around the corner. but i'm starting to think maybe now really isn't my time. there is so much more going on than i have time to really realize. i'm trying to keep so much going on for myself that i was relieved i didn't get picked for that audition last night. there are still so many things i want to do and although i'm getting things lined up, there are going to be more opportunities for me. i can only keep trying. i have to say i was proud of him for finally seeing the bigger picture and not thinking with his emotions. its never really gone down that way and i've always been the one to grab him out of his hole and show him the light. but this time he did it virtually all by himself. because with us, we have lived a life that most people can't even imagine going through. one that i have only shared with a hand full of people because the need jerk reaction is pity. and the last thing i need is someone to feel bad for me because of the things i've been through. i don't feel bad for me so neither should anyone else. as she has always told me, i'm optimistic because i've already been the worst and i can only go up from here. so this is what we do. we take on another situation and move on from it with a smile on our face because even when its bad, it still isnt the worst we've come across in our lives.

and if i find the next person i tell about these things, i hope they will only be considerate of the things i say look at me with understanding eyes and know that i'm fine. but i doubt that person will come around any time soon and i doubt i'll want to talk about it any time soon....anyways

i continue doing things i've never done before and still only a week into this new year. only has be wondering whats next to come my way. i'm sure i'll make it through but i'm kind of excited to see where i go next. nothing really seems to surprise me much anymore but i would be happy if it did even if it was bad it would still be something different.

i was re-reading back old posts i put and i'm starting to realize almost every single post is about love. she's always telling me how much she enjoys hearing my stories because it almost plays out like this amazing love story, and i'm starting to realize...is this really all i think about? because i know during the day it almost never crosses my mind. maybe its the one thing i'm constantly tripping over and here in subconscious all i can do is talk about it. which makes sense because most of the things i say here are never the things i would say to the people that need them to be said to. I've decided to give that up because i'm constantly trying for someone who isn't trying for me. so whats the point in me saying things that probably won't change anything? i've put myself out there many times to be rejected and i honestly don't take it too much to heart because i keep telling myself it only means i'm just one step closer to love. but i hear her saying "i know when you're about to blow a good thing, and i'm not going to give you an ultimatum i'm going to tell you like this for batum" but i guess when you've already done that. you can just sit back and let go. because so far i have and my sights are already set on bigger horizons. i brought my truth and didn't hide anything. and because of that i'm satisfied.