for God's sake dear, just say yes

she tells me she never has to question that i'm feeling neglected because she knows that i just get it. that its all temporary and she knows i can handle it. which is completely true in every way. i only wish that at some point in time our paths cross for longer than a couple days because she keeps me grounded. and she makes sense of my constant questioning. she answers those lingering things i can't see by myself. when the question approached of what i would do if things changed. if all of a sudden that person just turned to me and said "i want to be with you" what would i do? she told me she knows i wouldn't want to be with anyone that wasn't ready to be with me. i told her i would only want someone who wanted me. she simply said "you answered your own question" and it hit me like i had just ran into a wall. its nice to have her around in things like that.

i get nervous every time these times come around. i always seem to get bad news but i can't stop thinking as she says that i've already been through all the bad and i can only go up from here which is completely true and i'm hoping that everything is fine because that's really all i can do right now but i can also be optimistic that even if its not things can be fixed. and i will be okay no matter what. besides it wouldn't be the first i was hit by devastating news, except this time i'll have more people who understand instead of having to deal with someone who is angry about it. i still don't understand that but i guess now i never have to.

i realize that inevitable day is coming and at the moment i haven't really thought about it. if it wasn't for the stores oozing with it i would have probably completely forgotten. i've been so busy lately wrapped up in so many different things that i never seem to stop and look around even though i try from time to time when i have the chance. i realized that there wasn't much i wanted. and even if this is the first valentine's i haven't had a significant other, i'm still not alone. and i find comfort in that. even if things happen to change by then. i really just want to go to the santa monica pier and just have fun. i want to smile all day and be happy for everything i've been blessed with lately. because it seems to just be getting better and better. i'm learning new things still holding on to exactly who i am. hopefulness can be much more than just a state of mind and even if i'm hopeful carrying my heart on my sleeve is the only way i know how to do it. i know i get hurt more than i'd like to believe i do but really there's no other way i'd want to have my heart because i would regret holding it back from any opportunities it might find. although i find myself fighting like any other human being. i still hold on to hopefulness hoping that love has forgotten me just yet. and somewhere somehow i don't really think it has. so i have a funny feeling in the next 2 months something is going to change for me, and i might be naive to be hopeful, but at least i'm happy doing it.

"for God's sake dear, just say yes, just say there's nothing holding you back. its not a test, nor a trick of the mind, only love....this is all i wanted. its all i want. its all i want. its all i want. just say yes"