unthinkable

"moment of honest, someone's got to take the lead tonight. who's it going to be?...if you have something to say you should say it right now."

i'm suspended in the air. i'm wondering why i'm here. i keep trying to make a better me. and i'm improving and doing all these things i said i would but at the same time. i'm not yet satisfied. like there's still more. there's something missing and i haven't figured it out yet. but i'm trying to. i'm still the same person just improving different areas. and i feel more confident and i feel more productive but that doesn't change this something i feel like i'm missing.

this waiting period is what kills me. mainly because i've gotten the calls of bad news before and now i have to wait to find out if i get another one. and i'm still hoping but i do my natural routine of expecting the worse because when i get good news its better than what i was thinking and if i get the bad news it was already what i was expecting. but at the same time, the bad news could make things a lot harder for me right now. and i can only cross my fingers when she's telling me "it could come back". i guess trying to make a better me plays a valid role here. i like taking advantage of my healthy life because i never know how much longer i'm going to have it. that might sound completely morbid, but when you've gone through what i've had to go through its a realistic thought. but also why i stay so optimistic.

she made my dreams real today. i love the way she always shows up to make my life better. she's definitely my angel. always there to tell me everything is going to be okay. now if i could only find the guy version of her i'd be complete haha. here's to hoping. the adventure starts here and i'm completely ready to begin. i want to be lead in the direction that's meant for me and so far i think i am. i think i'm starting to realize that lately and its helping me move on to greater things. i'm excited for all that's yet to come. but i still have so many things to do. luckily for me ambition is a word i'm all too familiar with. so make my day because i couldn't ask for more.