when i reminisce over you...my God.

i don't know what i'm thinking. but i find myself smiling and laughing. and feeling like i have some kind of school girl crush. its too funny. but i'm trying to keep it all at arms length because really...i don't want it. i'd rather not have it. i need to focus back on what's real and that hit me today. they told me i had missed the summer window but asked me to apply for the fall. i'm hoping its because they like what they saw with my sample works. working for them would be a lot of fun for sure and open a few more windows for me. so i'll give it another shot and hope for the best. make sure i get myself somewhere where i can get something solid. and this was not exactly a no just a come back later. so that keeps me hopeful. and i have to ask him later about the bigger stuff which has me super nervous but he does kind of owe me. not really. but kind of.

tomorrow i have to keep going through all of this crazy. its just intense to me to know that this is happening. and its coming so close. i'm almost at 30 days. after next week i'll be there. and i'm under a lot of stress at the same time. but i know i can do this. i still want this more than anything and i'm going to make it. its kind of funny because i keep reading these things about people visualizing these goals for themselves and having a higher percentage of achieving what they want because of these visualizations. i do that all the time. at least i find myself doing it all the time. i hope its true in that case.

i know what he's trying to do with the dinner and its sad but kind of a relief at the same time. it means he hasn't changed at all. he still intends to do what he always does. and although he tries to mask it with an attempted effort. its not. i know exactly what it is. and its just another thing to hold over my head if i ever doubt his parental capabilities. i told her if it wasn't for her parents, i wouldn't have the parental support i really needed. i'm grateful for them every day and i plan on repaying them for everything they've done for me one of these days. i don't know where i would be at this point without them.

hope is a funny thing that can get me stuck in some places but i keep having this utter hope and faith in something bigger than myself. i don't need to be saved. or at least i don't feel like i need to be. i was explaining to her not to be afraid of getting hurt because we can't know joy and love without the pain and the hurt. i was talking and realized i was talking to myself. not that i'm afraid of getting hurt. i've already been hurt enough to not be afraid of it anymore. but i think its more of an anger. its like this undertone of anger under my breath when i let myself think about love. i know its because of feelings i let myself have this last time. i'm so used to keeping that all in check. but i just couldn't. i know it was for my own good but when the dust settled, i was angry. i know that goes hand and hand with the hurt. now the indifference is starting to settle in. and i know that's supposed to happen. but for the longest time i didn't let that happen and i couldn't and i didn't know if i wanted it to. i still don't know if i want it to. that sincere feeling i had for him was so real. it hurts to let it stay and it hurts to let it go. so here i am, saying hello and goodbye to the hurt all at the very same time. and i thought it would bother me to know he moved on and didn't care about me anymore. but it didn't. and i think its because of him. i knew he was waiting to see me 2 days after and i was nervous and excited to see him. and now he stays in my days and he keeps my mind somewhere else than the hurt. and for now i'm grateful. he was the exact dose i needed to heal this pain.

i almost regret telling him the way i felt. telling him that i wish i had a real good bye then the one i mindless involved myself in. i didn't know what i was saying or what i was doing when i said good bye. i went instantly numb after the first sentence he said to me that i hardly knew where i was or what i was saying. so i walked away. and left without a fuss. and soon after find out i'm moving 3000 miles away and never really getting to say good bye the way i wish i could've. and tell him that of all people might not have been the smartest thing to do but there's no taking back now. just living with what i've done and its bearable enough that i think i'm okay. i know i won't get my good bye and that's what i need to tell myself.