nevermind me

How many times will you let me change my mind?

Today was the day that would have been his 88th birthday. and i'm sitting there next to where he lays and i'm realizing that i became who he wanted me to be and still finding my way to the place he had hoped for me. and i'm happy to make him happy but crumbling inside because he isn't there to see me. to hug me and tell me i am doing the right thing. but she looks at me and tells me she knows this is the best thing for me. i watch her as she continues their rituals like he's still there waiting for her. i watch her go another year without him and i still can't believe its happened.



i told him it felt like my heart was broken and every time i tried to pick up the pieces they just kept falling out of my hands. he told me that he's seen me put so much together for myself. that i'm constantly taking care of all these parts in my life except my love life. that when it comes to my love life i just sit on the side lines and watch it happen to me. and although i'd love to get into an argument with him on this one and defend my honor. i can't because i know he's right. i mean i know i've dealth with a lot of guys that just couldn't handle what love with me would have been. but i can't keep thinking that sitting around and wondering about it is going to make it all better. because i couldn't understand why they wanted me to tell him i was leaving. and how would i even go about doing that? to do what? try to hurt him? to show him my life is moving on? he had me pinned against the wall when he said, "he chose not to be apart of your future, why let him know about it?" and i was confused up to that point. up to those words. that had me realizing he was right. when i told her she agreed. told me the best thing i could do was just leave it alone because no matter what, i don't want to hurt him. no matter how bad he broke my heart, i can't hurt him.

Nevermind me. i'll just cast shadows on your wall.

I find myself back to where i was. wondering why its so hard for people to see that you aren't hiding anything behind your words. that you are being completely and plainly honest. i said just some fun and apparently he took it as, lets be serious. um....i'm moving 3,000 miles away. you got jokes. so i'm letting it all go. letting all of it go. its so stupid. and yet the texts, the calls, the IMs, the messages, the emails never stop. and i wish it was june already.

i'm not sure what to do about it. he is such an interesting person that can take me to places i could only dream. but i don't know where our line is drawn and how to draw it if it isn't there. i think i defined it but i hate to put us in a weird position. sometimes i'm afraid of what i'm getting myself into but maybe it is as he said and we were just made to meet each other. i will find out soon enough i guess.



she stays true to who she is and continues to be the person she is. its disappointing. its sad. and its something i'm used to. she picks fights with me to make herself feel better. she takes away my birthday present which means good bye california birthday. and yet none of this is breaking me. because when i leave. that is it. none of this will matter anymore. and he tells me every day. and she tells me all the time. and its comforting. and it hits me that as of tomorrow i have 25 more days. and all i can think is, how sad it will be for them. to be alone and without anyone but each other. i guess that is a marriage. you can count me out.

love, i'm sorry. i'm sorry i can't love you anymore. i must have been dreaming. because i haven't dreamed of you for so long. i wish i could kiss the way you do and maybe you would see. apologies are so transparent in the mount of meaningless white lies. i hope one day you grow up or find me a grown up. so that we can make peace and be intertwined in a so much more sincere way. because day after day i move closer to my dreams. and every day my hopes take shape into reality. and what a shame it would be to not have you holding my hand. so love....maybe one day you'll see. finding you was always finding me.