i didn't know what i was doing. but the i got the answers, it was like something might have clicked. I should have sent him that message and i shouldn't have probably done anything at all. but then he responded. I told him the truth behind my actions. how i was packing stuff and found the things he had given me while we were together. and i just wanted to tell him thank you. to show a little appreciation for the things he had done for me. because he was a great guy. a great boyfriend. and the one who really loved me. he just wasn't the one for me. which is hard to understand from all of that. but we just didn't speak the same language. it was like i was an alien on his planet and he just didn't try to understand me. he told me he did all of those things because i am a great girl. and then i realized this happened because here i was thinking this guy hated me for breaking his heart. but he was humble. and sweet to say those things to me. and i know we can't be friends but to know he said those things and we could really end things that way made me feel like the whole thing was even more resolved than before.
then the second one came. when i had to ask him a question. and not so much a question but more like a favor. things had stopped so suddenly with us i wasn't sure if i was over stepping but just wanted to take the chance. he too told me i was someone he would always remember. and in a sense of happiness. Which made me feel good that we could still be on talking terms in such a casual way after everything. and i started realizing again it was the same kind of situation. not to say all of these circumstances will turn around like this because there are some i hope to never turn to. I just like that there were at least some that could be set to the right light enough to let it go and move on.
"I was wrong. You were right." "Boy, i'm over you. I got nothing to say."
and then i'm finding myself in the same old spot in other places. he acts of interest and then the moments of opportunity arise and he's out like i'm that chick. like i'm that girl who's going to bite onto the idea that i have to chase when he backs off. but he doesn't know. i only did that for one person. one person i actually cared about. and i swear on my common sense i'm never doing that ever again. I learned my lesson once and i don't have time for those games. I told him i only have 30 days. so if he wants to get up to this and get to know me. knows the time. take advantage of the time available. so ignoring him isn't anything that takes any skin off my back. in fact i'm ready to let it go. because those other ones could have told you that you missed out. in fact i'm more than positive they did let you know i was down. ready to chill and just have some fun. its the funny the way guys say one thing out their neck sometimes and get what they ask for and then finally speak the truth from their actions. whatever.
i'm not trying to get caught up in the sad realizations of boys who aren't quite men. because when it comes down to it, those guys who told me the truth. who were the previous guys i was talking about. who could have given a shit about anything i had to say, are older. and know its better to keep things real instead of dealing with fake games that aren't going to get anybody anywhere. so that we can still be cordial and its perfectly fine.
and yet i'm still hopeful. she said i should know by now that i'm something worth loving when the hearts i've broken still tell me i'm a great girl. that even at my worst i'm still someone worth caring about. fiction is the predecessor to fact. I really hpe i'm not crazy for thinking love is still a tangible fact that i can still attain through all this fiction that keeps getting in my way.
love, won't you love you me?
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