she says i'll find my heart on the other side.

I guess i'm subject to everything being greener on the other side. and God i hope it is. because right now i'm getting hit with one blow after the other. but instead of it bringing me down as it naturally could. it just makes me more determined to get the hell out of here and make something amazing. making something out of nothing like i usually do.




you know its funny the speech he was giving. he was going on and on about how we sometimes go to sleep at night wondering if they're thinking about us and knowing how much they regret what they did. i want to agree but there's some falsity in that. i mean ya i used to go to sleep at night wondering if he still thinks about me. but i never thought he would ever think he regrets it. i mean ya i want to be the girl that says, "she isn't me. they're never going to be me." but i don't need to say what i already know is true. I just have to let it go and he's so right that i'm having conflicting arguments with myself. because i know how i still feel. i know i'm not over it. but when i finally said it out loud to him he said that was the beginning of me finally being able to get over it. and i hope he's right. i hope he's so right. because a part of me still wishes you were here. a part of me wishes i could have had that opportunity to really say good bye. but the most important part of me is still in love with you. which just makes me never want to see you again. because i know it's only going to bring more pain. and hasn't there been enough of that? haven't you hurt me enough? i mean what could possibly be said that isn't going to break me apart?

but then i'm sitting there talking to him and telling me, "i told him we have a hell of a time staying away from each other. and we usually just can't." and i know every time this bullshit happens, we go a little longer without seeing or speaking to each other. but why does this happen? he told me i need to stop asking these questions. this is why i'm so internally conflicted. i'm still in love with him, but hate him for what he did to me. or at least what he couldn't do for me. he says you don't know who you are. and that's why. that's why this happened. but you never left you. you are right there wherever you are in this moment. i wish you could just see that. because there was a guy there that i loved. so sincerely. for the first time. and i hate that i still write about you. i hate that you're still in my head. because it hurts so much that you're still in my heart. and WHY CAN'T YOU JUST GO AWAY?! DAMNIT!

because when it comes down to it. i want to hate you so bad but i just can't. i never really hated you at all. because i love you too fucking much. and not even like a crazy love. just something that was too real for me. and it stuck like a bad habit. and i don't know when you became this person. and i don't know how to get you to stop being this person. and i keep telling myself in less than 3 weeks none of it will matter anymore because i'll be 3000 miles away from you. like i don't already feel like i'm 3000 miles away from you. i guess it will just be a literally thing at that point. he tells me "you'll stop loving him when you find someone else you love more." i can't help but wondering how i can think that to be probable or possible at this point. i'm not drowning in it anymore. just totally immersed.



some day i'll be completely without you. how awful does that really seem? because it almost kills me. and i'm sitting here still convincing myself, that you couldn't care at all. and the ironic part of that is...you never proved me wrong. how tragic is unrequited love? i guess you only know when its taken you for such a hellish ride and still insists on asking why you hate it? I wish you weren't so threatened by the idea that i saw through your heart. this love wasn't such a dangerous thing. or at least it was never meant to be. here i was, the one that kept telling you not to be afraid and i should've been the one completely terrified.

i told her i have no idea what i would say. she told me to say nothing at all and just walk away. metaphorically, it holds the key. but emotionally, i haven't walked away. i'm still stuck in the box you put me in. and maybe he's right. maybe i'll find someone to love much more than i loved you. but God bless the day that happens, because i know i'll be a nervous wreck.



If this is taking the first step to really getting over it, can we skip to the end already?

i need an emo