and then sometimes it just hits you

There was this story he said he was trying to tell and the more i listened to this song the more i heard something i was all too familiar with. i'm living in this moment and he's defining it like its common and all i can think is, "killing me softly with his words. killing me softly." but i can't stop listening to it and i can't stop repeating it and its almost like a self destruct button i keep pressing over and over because the pain hurts so good. and then i go to sleep and wake up and forget all about it. because all night he's talking to me and i'm trying to figure out what his intentions are when he's playing it cool. but then he tells me that he was looking forward to seeing me the whole time he was at the party and there i was trying to look good so he would notice me. and he leaves just before i got there. the plan was messed up but he still sent me a message the next morning telling me all about it.

and while i'm sitting there wondering why it seems necessary for these guys i've known for so long to all of a sudden think now is there last chance to have something with me just because i'm leaving and i don't want it because it will change everything and that's not what i want to do when everything is going to change so much. i convince him that he should move to new york because he's someone i could see myself being with and although he's drunk because its his birthday he still gives me a hug and grabs my faith and kisses me as i'm leaving. i'm completely shocked as he does this in front of everyone at the party. and here i am hoping i could have just stayed with him but knowing i can't because here he was texting him all night telling him how stupid he was for the leaving the party before i got there. and yet i'm still totally unaware of where we stand and what to do and luckily for me i just don't care.

she keeps helping me with everything and i'm so grateful for everything she's done for me. and to have this set up get even better has me anticipating my departure even more. but the feeling i had when i bought that one way ticket was fear. it was this utter fear. something i don't feel very often. in fact, hardly ever. but i did. and then it instantly went away when she told me all the stuff she has set up for me and the people she has me meeting to help me with my start there.

life is constantly changing so fast and i'm glad i have her there to tell me i'm fine and that everythign i'm feeling is totally normal. and anyone in my position would do the same. because i know there's only so much i can do and i can just be who i am. i'm not obsessed with these circumstances that could make me look desperate because i'm not. and i don't need to have someone when i have my friends and everything i could want. and only heading to a place that i can imagine giving me everything i need.

if only you knew i never played love as a game with you and i was always playing for keeps. now this is all games and i don't want anything to do with it.