baby please...

You want me to trust you. how can i trust you when i don't know the first thing about that...I just wanna love you baby don't wanna waste no time.

I kept feeling like everything was going wrong today. or at least that i was doing everything wrong today. until i realized i hadn't gotten sleep in that last 4 days. she helped me realize i just need to chill. luckily i have her around for those things because i tend to lose myself in my anger sometimes. and here i am still not sleeping. i guess there's always tomorrow.

we sat there and conversed for quite some time and i was happy that the subjects i just couldn't get myself to talk about didn't come up. i know there was probably a want to bring it up but i'm happy they didn't. it was nice to just sit there with them and catch up. but i knew there was a give away when he was asking me why i was keeping it a secret. but i informed him that i twas definitely not a secret. i don't care if everyone knows. i made the move pretty public for everyone to know about it but i knew why he was asking. and she agreed with me that he wanted to know for probably a particular reason. it should bother me but it doesn't. or i guess maybe not. i don't know.

We sat there talking about it and i could tell he had been wanting to say something about it. he told me what i knew but it was different finding out for sure. to know that he knows how i feel about him. i don't want to say i hate him because i think hate is too strong of a word. to know that he broke my heart, to know that i wouldn't talk to him. i just don't know what i would say. ironically i talked to her about that today. that i once knew what i would say but now i don't. i have no idea. but when we're sitting there and he says, "you still love him." and i can't even reply. every day i wake up and hope it hurts a little less and it does.

he told me i need to get off the bench and help myself get over it all and let go. but i don't know if i'm ready to get off that bench yet? i know i still love him and i really wish i didn't. because i know he doesn't care. i know it doesn't matter to him. and i don't it wouldn't change anything. she tells me guys that have committment issues like him never change. they always tend to commit to the same deranged habits. and i know she's right to an extent and when i really think about it, i know that i just can't trust him anymore. but why do i still wear him on my heart like a coat of arms? i don't find myself wondering anymore if he thinks of me. i think i've convinced myself of what i believe to be true. it might be a defense mecahnism but if it helps me to stop thinking baout him i will. i just wish it could get me to stop loving him. i wish my heart would go on vacation at least for a little while. but i think it will when i really start packing tomorrow. he tells me he still thinks things will work out between us. i sit there knowing that they won't. knowing that once i leave i'll never hear about him again. knowing that leaving just means i make it easier for the both of us to not even think about. knowing that when i leave...it really will be all over. because like she said, i already know he just won't try.

and somehow my heart is not supposed to break? i hope there is some magic that keeps it together.