how's it gonna be.

I wonder if there's gonna be anything that i miss. How's it gonna be when you don't know me?

I keep telling myself different things sometimes. like i'm trying to convince myself of thigns that aren't there. he keeps telling me things because he wants me to come at him a certain way. but he doesn't know i've been there. i know how that game goes. i've been played before in the same way. and i only need to have my heart broken that one time to learn my lesson. because i wish every day that i could stop missing him. every day. i wish it didn't mean anything. every time i think to myself that i don't love him. how could i? knowing good and damn well my heart still feels it. and knowing that every day it falls away a little more. every day i fall out of love with you. and i hope that the end would come so much sooner. when i'm out of sight of guys like this.

because he wanted to come. he wanted me to be there and i told him i would and never showed up. it was a mean thing to do but i wouldn't have made it anyways. i played the same game as him but he called me the "flake". I could have said a lot more. but didn't. because it doesn't matter to me anymore.

erase and rewind 'cause i've been changing my mind.

and then the countdown begins wednesday. 30 days to new york. today i really started packing. i thought it would be depressing but it was more refreshing. because i realized i'm so ready to get out of here. i need something different. we were sitting there watching it all unfold. at first i was upset because it was totally different but then realized that's what i needed. a change. and i know i'm about to get a huge culture shock soon. but i think one i'm ready for. i'm excited to start something different somewhere completely different. i've been able to finish some unfinished business lately. which has me feeling like almost everything is complete. he tells me i want to make something i am leaving behind. because in all actuality i'm not really leaving anything behind. but i don't know how much of that is true. i can name a few things i'm leaving behind that suck. i think he forgets sometimes just how much my heart was broken. and all these stupid guys that come around that excite me for a minute and then i get over. has me back to the way i used to be. which i guess can be good because i know that i am still capable of it and that i just don't fall for every one. because i really don't. i'm over these little romances in like a week and i don't want to talk to them anymore. not to say they aren't bad people. just not worth it to me. i told her i'm better off by myself. and she thinks that will only last till i get there.

what a hell of a way to jump off the edge.