twists and turns

she called me today and i finally got to tell her the latest events of the last 5 days. which seems so crazy that i hadn't told her all of it. i told her what i was told and all she could say was, "its sad to go with someone you don't even like, but its even more sad to have had the best girl who was normal and could've been the greatest thing to happen to him and give it up to be single but end up just being that lonely." she reassures me that i ended up making the right choice by not going and just going on with my life and being with my friends instead. i tell her that her card was perfect at the perfect time but hen again she always has that way. at least i know i have someone that reads me that well.

i told her about "muscles" (hahaha). she told me she always knew i would never have any problems in that area but she knew how i was really feeling. she told me its okay to feel the sadness sometimes just not all the time to the point where it gets too much. she tells me to keep letting everything out here because she knows it helps me. she encourages the good in my life right now. but all i can tell her is that i'm still in this grey area that i haven't quite figured out yet. she says she knows it was the too much for me. that i had finally met my emotional limit. and now i have to try and come back from that. but now that i know its all over i can. there's nothing i can do to change what happened. and there's nothing i can say to change anything and to be quite honest i shouldn't have to. i did nothing wrong. in fact i did everything i could've done for the best. i think that's why i get to this point of feeling like "really?!" and "seriously?!" after all of that i still ended up at the beginning and nothing had changed. i should have known but i didn't want to give up on anyone. i need to learn how to do that.

but then i realize. hate is a strong so i really really really don't like you. hahaha (i put the "haha" cause i really am laughing. wow i'm such a nerd. anyways...) i don't know i just. sometimes i guess. well...i guess i really do give up now. if i can't change any of it then why hold on? there's no point when i just know there's no changing it.

tomorrow i leave with them for vegas. another crazy weekend trip. and they have already picked out what i'm wearing and how i'm going to look. i'm okay with it because they usually know better than i do. but i really just want to dance. i want to dance till i don't feel it anymore. sadness is underrated and i know i need to feel it to get over it. but i'd rather just feel it now till i get there and then dance it all out like a bad sickness.

well i guess here's to hoping.