fireworks

We were driving around talking and everything was calm until he told me the news that's going to change my life. He lets me know he is going to talk to him to transfer me over because its something he knows i've wanted. it's something i know that i want. I am almost amazed but mostly speechless. wondering if this is for real. until he asks me how soon i can move. i tell him as soon as possible until i realize that's not wise. i decide a few more months would be smarter because i can build up my growing portfolio. She calls me and tell her to not feel obligated to say yes. that to say no would be perfectly okay. and when i tell her and ask her for probably the biggest favor i've ever asked from her. she says yes and i feel the tears building up in my eyes because now its all real. and its going to happen. and my dreams are coming true. and i can't believe its happening so soon. so quickly. i made this happen for myself and i worked so hard for it. to be able to say now that in four months i will be living in new york! yes its true. i leave in june. i'm still completely amazed.

i told her today and she cried but knew that it was something that was always going to happen. i know its going to be hard for her to let me go but she just needs to. because this is what i've always wanted for myself and now its happening. its going to be hard to leave everything but i know i can do it and i know i can keep the friends that i love so dearly. but this is a huge opportunity for me. and i can do it. i know i can.



we went back to his place. i was amazed by the books. he was scanning over my tattoos. his hands were soft and his kiss was not the way i had thought it would be. and it was what i wanted. it was what i needed. he makes me laugh and has a curiosity about him. and now i know he never over sold anything. i felt pretty. i felt like i was something good. i felt like what i needed in that moment. we left laughing and joking as we usually do. and i got into my car and drove away realizing i wanted more.

we went out to a bar i hadn't been before and when he got into the car i saw something i had kind of seen before but dismissed all the time. i always knew he wanted me but never gave him any false pretenses. until that night. and it got to a point of no turning back and i was okay with it until the moment it was going to happen. he had me where he wanted me but i just couldn't. and instead he took me back. i felt bad but i was too tired to know the difference. until the next day when i wanted to hold his hand. while he was trying to say he wants me in his drunk state of mind. here i am perfectly fine with it all. i think that's because i know it can't last.



"I'll follow you. I'll follow you deep sea, baby."

i don't know how i would feel if you knew. i don't know how you would feel if you knew. i keep myself believe you wouldn't care. but i know you'll find out. i wish i could tell you. in four months i'm leaving.