oh valentine, lover.

"'cause i know about my love. 'cause i know about my heart."

the trip was full of adventure and exciting laughter. they dressed me up and made me something to look at apparently. i don't care about the attention, but it does make for meeting interesting people. one in which was a really great guy from england but what happens in vegas stays in vegas. so...

i wasn't expecting any of this. i wasn't expecting the texts from 11am to 2:30am. i wasn't expecting the sarcastic banter that has me wanting more. i wasn't expecting the flirting. the enticing conversations and the surprising attraction. but its a tricky territory i shouldn't embark on. i know i should go there. its bad. it could be very very bad. but that's why i want to so bad. and i know he wants to. i know he wants me. or he wouldn't be so concerned that he's 6 years older. he wants to talk to me. he wants to know about me. and i can't help but be completely attracted to how smart he is. he might be a little smarter than me in fact. or at least he holds himself that way. but i can't go there. and it would be bad. the not so innocent flirting is fine for now. but then why did i get him a gag gift while i was there? i don't think we have any idea what we're doing but just going with it because its so much fun. i guess i'll just keep seeing where its going, but definitely proceeding with caution. but it would be so much fun.

They are setting me up to get me out there. i still don't know how much i really care. i will give this one a shot just to see what happens. i'm at odds with certain things and i'm trying to find my way through it. i told them it made me sad and i went on this roller coaster of ups and downs with it, and i know i will for a little while longer. but it will be okay. i will be okay. i always am and i'm finding it to be a lot easier. i guess now i'm 3 out of 3. but the third was definitely the charm. and i really wish it wasn't. damn him and his really cool sneakers and 6'3"-ness, his shelves and shelves of music and books that had me memorized the first time i went to his apartment. ugh, this curiosity will most definitely kill this cat. luckily i've already warned him, i'd be too much for him. i am the girl that turns your world upside down. i will set a precedent because i can never be defined like the rest.

luckily my travel plans are growing. looks like i'll be east bound next month. can't wait to be there. i love it so much. and then a couple months later looks like it'll be really east bound. hello thailand and japan. i'm so glad i make all my dreams come true.

i want to find myself in the midst of it. i want to be in the thick of everything that makes me whole. i want to feel the happiness on my skin. i want to breath the calm. i want to feel it all over my body. and bring together all my pieces. i am so close. and never too far. i believe in things bigger than myself that make it all possible to be everything bigger than what i believe. take my hand and i'll show you a hell of a life. as he said, "there's a hell of a world out there. let's go."