"But it was not your fault but mine. And it was your heart on the line. I really fucked it up this time. Didn't I, my dear?"

"I don't care"...."yes you do. you can see it all over yours face. i've known you a long time and i know it hurts. you do care." i love my friends but sometimes when they say the things i don't want to hear it makes it hard. i know they're only looking out for me but it would be a lot easier if they would just let me believe i don't care. but i guess maybe not. i think i think i don't care because i don't feel anything. this empty feeling is a little over bearing some times. but then he tells me, "i'm going to find a way to bring your self confidence back." as he's holding on to my hips and looking into my eyes and i feel a little glimpse of hope again. "you are a hot thing! and i wouldn't lie to you." and then he's holding my hand. "coming from a guy i can tell you, guys only do something like that when they've found someone else and they don't want to feel guilty about cheating." it didn't surprise me because in the back of my head i already knew. because its the same reason as always, but that doesn't mean i don't still get that knot in my stomach every time i think about it.

"i know you and your last guy just parted ways, but i want to be your next guy. if you would just give me the chance." and he's holding my face and looking into my eyes. i swear he makes me feel like i'm melting. but i find myself responding "we'll see." because i'm too busy thinking it isn't possible. here i am thinking about how they say that i make the impossible seem perfectly possible but then when it comes to me, i'm almost at a loss right now. lost in my own mind. my heart is gone and i need to get it back somehow. things would be easier if i could just remember its not me.

i'm reading this book called "the perks to being a wallflower" about this kid who's 16 and writing to someone he knows of but doesn't know. like he's writing a journal but writing because he just wants to know someone is reading what he has to say even if that person doesn't know its him. I realize that's how i feel about this. when people ask why i have a blog that no one close to me really knows about. its because i just want to let out thoughts knowing someone somewhere reads it whether they know me or not and i can just let it all go.

he called me today and told me he's going to be here soon for a week. it made feel like i would be getting a shot of medicine soon to make me feel better. i didn't really talk to him about anything yet because we only talked about the normal tid bits we haven't been able to catch up on. but its better than nothing.



asleep. asleep. and its time to wake up. we're getting older to be playing these moronic games. and yes they're games. no matter how much we try to change that. its all just a big game. and its getting old. i'm awake and see the truth.