sunshines and cold air

"I take a breathe, take a breathe with me blow by blow. take a break take a break from you, you are here to stay. I take my heart out of my chest i just don't need it anymore. take my head out of the game i just don't need it anymore."

I didn't even feel like i had done anything special. got ready for a normal night with them. I tell him all about the night before and he just laughs at me and says, "you will never have a problem with things like that." then he goes on to tell me how he knows him and that he has mentioned me before. i'm kind of surprised cause i really didn't see that coming. i tell her and she laughs at me and tells me i should never doubt myself in that situation. i'm starting to feel like what am i not seeing? i know they're my friends but even they dont' give me as many compliments as i've been getting lately. like what am i doing differently? that sounds however it might sound but i'm really surprised about it. i've been working on trying to find my own style but i end up just wearing what feels good. i guess its working out? she told me i look "money" last night and that made me laugh. looks like i'm fitting into LA just fine.



now i'm just thinking of getting through this week. there is so much to do. i'm still feeling like something is missing. i'm still feeling like i've lost something. i wish that feeling could go away. its like when i laugh at something i don't feel that excited happy feeling. when i want to feel sad even, i just don't have any feeling. numbness is not the way to be. and i need to get back to my normal feeling. but the only feelings i have right now is for work. i have this drive that is making me feel whole again because it gives me something to do to stay busy. and i don't know how much that's necessarily a good thing. but for now if it's what i got to keep me feeling alive, i'll take it and make it worth so much more.

he follows me around like a sad puppy. he' tries to get my attention by sitting next to me and mopping about like i should aks him whats wrong to give him an excuse to touch me. instead i just get up and walk away. i've been there and done that and its not worth it. at all. i can't stand the person he is and its so stupid the way he acts like he's so perfect in every aspect of himself. i'm comfortable with who i am and comfortable in my own skin but i'm just starting to feel confident with it. but this guy takes cocky to a whole new level. they tell me i should have said something when he did. and i probably should have. i'm sure it'll happen again and i'll be more prepared when it does.



letting the fear go. i've definitely adapted an "I don't give a F-U-C-K" attitude now. but with a kick of good humor. It feels like the right thing right now. one of the only right things right now. and i'd rather just have it be this way right now. i'm ready to find adventure in that. and ready to find great experiences like i used to when i had that attitude. not to say that i don't care about anything or anyone. i care about my friends who have been this incredible support system for so long. there is a love that runs deep there. i've always had a strong belief in having an even playing field with my life. or at least trying to. haha. sometimes i put up with a lot more than i probably should. but i know why. because i've had a lot of people that were supposed to be close to me, give up, not try, and walk away on me. I can't do that to someone else. It's that whole golden rule thing that's engraved in my mind. I can't do things to someone i wouldn't want done to myself especially stuff that's hurt me really bad in the past. so sue me if that leaves me vulnerable to assholes and jerks that take advantage of that. but at least i know i don't have to feel the guilt, the insecurities, and the doubts in myself. I always know that i gave what i could for people in my life because i didn't want to give up on them. i wanted to show them that they were worth trying for. because almost everyone is worth trying for. she always tells me that its because of that, someone will come and give me the same efforts in return. but so far that has been my friends. and for now i'm totally satisfied with that.