treading the line of fantasy and reality

"i'm ready to go. lead me into the light."

everything is ready. new york is ready for me. its crazy in this completely amazing way. i know i always set my mind to things but to see what i want taking shape the way it is just has me amazed at myself. i'm moving forward with everything which is making it easier to leave so many other things behind. its just crazy that its turning out to be the way i had always wanted it to be.

i've fought so much to get here. and this is still only the beginning and i'm going to keep giving what i have to give to make it so much more incredible and i know i'm going to get there. some way some how i'm going to make something of myself and be exactly who i want for myself and this is just the first step. its just crazy that i only have 4 months. and counting. starting over yet again. and i'm okay with that. i really want to. i really need to. this was always something i said i was going to do and now i'm doing it.

"So tired of waiting. come baby."

she told me she knows he's going to find out. she thinks its going to compel him to talk to me before i leave. but i doubt it. i really do. i mean i know he'll find out. but i don't think he'll care enough to come say good bye or anything. i mean we already did that as far as i know. and i'm sure that's how he feels. that the good byes have been said and there isn't a need to go back and say them again. especially with me leaving to live across the country. paris blues yet again. why is it always this way? i need to just stop asking those questions. it just seems its always going to be this way.

he tells me its always been bad timing for us. but its always been bad timing with everyone that's tried to be with me. it might always be that way. its possible that it might not be. but its also possible it really does run deep and run wide. i'm going to find the day when someone sees more than what i know and takes it and runs with it. makes us something better than myself by myself. and i will embrace it for what it is and just live. just live in the depths of love. because i'll always have everything else. but love is something to cherish and take with you when you have it. keeping youself from it because you're hidden behind dramas and issues only leaves yourself to blame for your short comings. but i refuse to embrace those things. i won't let the lack of love in my life with significant others keep me from believing its possible to have someone love me in such a complete way. so here's to love and all its incredible possibilities. i'll fly to you one day.