long ago and far away

first i have to apologize for any spelling errors. i'm a stickler for them but i just get too lazy to go back and edit. so sorry for those.

I tell him good night and he won't let me sleep. he talks to me all day and i can't deny that i like it. i enjoy it. and it makes me laugh. he makes me laugh. but yet i can't help feeling this would be such a bad idea. i want to push it away gently but even that seems like a bad idea. i'm just going to leave it up to fate to decide. because i can't make anymore of these decisions. i don't want to make any more of these decisions.

he texts me twice to wake me up. i'm awake and already annoyed with him. oh "muscles" don't replace me wanting you. you ruined it for me and yet you're still asking for me. you're still asking about me. he's like a child knocking at my door wanting more that i won't give him. that i won't give anyone right now or for a long while. he wants me to be interested. he wants my time. but i'm not putting in any more effort. i'm over doing that right now.



i'll be there in a month. i'm excited to see my family. i'm excited to see my very best friend graduate. i need the time. i need to escape. i need the love. i'm moving on with better things in my life. listening to bands and meeting people i never could have dreamed. but i need them to keep my grounded. remind me of the things i still have in my head and help me get over those things. i know she makes me write here as much as i can to help me. and he tells me to let myself feel the sadness and hurt. but i'm still...i don't know. i really don't even know.

i told her everything. she told me to proceed with caution because it is a tricky situation. he's older and has a certain knowledge of things i trust. she tells him that events that occurred and she asks why he would do something like that and what does it mean. he simply says, "its all in your question. he thought she was going to be there. its like a stab in the front. but what i want to know is what did she do?" i told him i went to san fransisco instead and all i heard was a burst of laughter. i asked him what was so funny. he said, "because he's obviously more invested in it than you are to go with someone he doesn't even like thinking you're going to be there, and you don't even show up! you are definitely not as invested." I wonder if he's right and she says she thinks he is. i'm starting to think he could be and i have these distractions and might have another one as of sunday. but i find myself still upset. i had a dream the other day that i was sleeping in his bed again and i could almost feel the blankets. and i don't know why. i don't know what that means.



i watched the move "cover girl" with gene kelly and rita hayworth. and if you ever read this. if you ever cared about us. if you ever think about us. please watch it. please. in the last 30 minutes. at least i'm pretty sure its the last 30 minutes. the old man is walking her down the aisle to the wrong man she is about to marry and he is finishing up telling her the tale of his past love. and you are the piano player. and i can't forget our song. just watch it. whole heartedly watch it. i don't know if you'll ever feel the way i felt about it. but the way it made me feel to see it and hear it is why i wonder how invested i really am.

and if it was all a secret, i wouldn't know otherwise. i've let myself believe the things you've shown. and it just seems so cruel.